Hey Blog Fam,

Trust you are all doing great and following hard after all that the Lord has placed in your heart o do.

Today's post is a review of a relationship book written by two couples; David & Claudia Arp and Curt & Natelle Brown.

If you are in a relationship, I believe that you know one of those things for you to do is to read books together. While it is expected that you both are all out on personal development through the reading of books, but it is also important to read great books together, especially as it relates to your life together in no distant future.

This book has ten dates that you are meant to read personally and then review together.

I have read this book, so permit me to take you through the 10 Dates in this book. 

Date 1 - Sharing Hopes, Dreams & Expectations

This date was about discussing what your individual fantasies/expectations are, this is so that you and your partner can be on the same page and you won’t have to deal with the ‘what I ordered versus what I get’ kinda thing.

Expectations are mostly shaped from what you see portrayed to us by our parents/guardians and while those realities in and of themselves are not wrong, but they should be talked about so that you can see where the other person is coming from and how best you can both fit into each other’s lives.

For example, Loveth the wife-to-be didn’t have a father who was domesticated, but she is looking forward to her man being more involved in the home, while Dayo the husband-to-be is looking forward to a woman who will be a homemaker and who will delight in cooking at every point in time even without his help.

You can already imagine what these two individuals will go through if this expectation is not discussed during the relationship phase.

Date 2 – Appreciating Our Differences

Loveth and Dayo are two different people and while they are on their way to becoming one, they still can not neglect the fact that they are two distinct individuals.

From gender differences to personality differences, there is a lot to walk through, and it is the way these differences are handled that matters and not the differences themselves.

Building a great relationship together with your significant other is not just about the fact that you will not have differences but how well you use those differences.

In places where your partner is weak, you are to be his strength and in the places where you are weak, your partner is to be your strength even as you both draw strength from God. 

Understanding and appreciating your differences will ensure that you are forming a healthy partnership and working towards the same goal, as you are to see yourselves as a team always.

Date 3 – Communicating & Connecting

This chapter teaches how best to communicate, by stating out the three patterns of communication, which are;

-        Chatting- This is talking about everything except the matter on ground. It is a method of communication used when you and your partner are both trying to not talk about the important issue on ground.

-        Confronting –This is similar to attacking your partner. Begining any statement with the word ‘you’ is a sure way of attacking. E.g, 'you always come late' is an attack.

-       Connecting- This is being vulnerable enough to share your innermost thoughts with your partner.

To communicate well, rather than attacking your partner, you can use the feeling formula by stating how you feel without attacking your partner. E.g, I feel you don’t care about me by coming late when we have a date. This is less of an attack and more of you wanting to connect with your partner.

Listening more is also a way to communicate, and listening is beyond just waiting for your turn to speak, it is hearing both what is said and the feelings involved.

You should learn to deliberately listen for the total message and not just what you want to hear, the total message involves the words (which is 7%), tone of voice (which is 38%), and non-verbal ( which is 55%).

Date 4 – Solving Problems As A Couple

The anchor scripture for this date was James 1:19

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

Conflict resolution is such an essential part of your love life because you will definitely step on each other's toes once in a while.

The various ways to handle conflict as stated in the book includes;

-       * The turtle; who is the partner who withdraws whenever there is any conflict

-      * The skunk; who is the attacker whenever there is any conflict

-     * The chameleon; Who is the yielder, this yielding is not as a result of wanting peace, but to avoid saying your mind

-    * The Beaver; this is the partner who always wants to avoid trouble. But truth be told, in a relationship, you both need to disagree to agree most of the time.

-      * The Owl; this is the seemingly intellectual partner who thinks he/she has to intellectually decipher what the challenge is

-       * The Gorilla; this is the partner who always wants to win regardless of how the partner feels

Look through your life and that of your partner and see which of these traits you identify with.

The best choice to make during conflict is to have a sense that you and your partner are a team who are working together against the problem rather than having the thought that your partner is the problem and you are working against him/her. The mindset should always be that it is the two of you against whatever comes.

There will be some conflicts that will be a one-off; your partner traveling without mentioning it as a result of oversight, and there will be others that will be perpetual like your preference for a hot/warm place while your partner loves cold places. Conflicts are to be handled with wisdom and compromise.

In solving problems, you are to be willing to;

·         Give the gift of love (show your love to your partner by choosing to let go. This is an active decision you are to make)

·         Gift of individuality ( which is the gift of yourself)

·         Gift of compromise (the question who needs this more between my partner and I will help you know who should give this gift)

Date 5 – Managing Your Money

We all know how important money is both as individuals and as a couple.

This date helps address the differences between your different backgrounds as it relates to money.

Loveth family was a semi penny-pinching home, while Dayo’s family belongs to those who love spending money, they believe, what is the essence of making money if we can’t spend it? Money is meant to be spent, right? Not talking about money for this couple could spell doom in their marriage as Loveth would constantly see Dayo as a spendthrift while Dayo would see Loveth as a lady who does not like to enjoy the baby girl life. 

It is also important to discuss the assets and liabilities each partner is bringing into the relationship.

According to statistics, money is usually a major challenge in the early years of marriage, but with proper discussion, planning, and praying, you and your partner can scale through this and not join the majority.

Some measures are given in the book to ensure that there is no money wahala in the future includes;

-          - Always live below your means as a couple

-         - Never spend all you make on frivolities

-         - You and your partner are to create a budget to accommodate your needs and a little extra for your wants too.

Another point worthy of note here is to clarify if you will have a joint account, or each person will hold on to their own accounts and only pull resources together to spend on major projects.

That is all for today's post, we will continue with Date 6- Date 10 next week.

Do try to discuss the above points of discussions with your partner during your discussions, you'll be glad you did.

See you next Thursday.

There is so much light***

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